


How To Care For Your Wizard

by Iris_H11



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Caleb Widogast Angst, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, I want there to be a Veth chapter but I haven't figured out how to write it, Possible Widofjord, Possible Widojest, Post Ep129, There may be more chaperts but Idk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 11:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30054438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iris_H11/pseuds/Iris_H11
Summary: Immediately after the events of 129.Caleb is going through it and has been for days.Members of the Nein tell him how important he is to them and that he can't take all of the blame on himself.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 44





	1. Don't Give Up, Don't You Quit on Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the song "Brothers" by Penny and Sparrow which has strong Fjord and Caleb vibes  
> Not intended as Widofjor but read into this whatever you would like, I'm not your boss

They all stumbled into the Evening Nip behind Jester and her mother. After some awkward shuffling and absent-minded hellos, Caleb made his way over to the bar to be away from whatever nonsense was about to ensue. It was going to be interesting for sure but he needed quiet and to be alone. And a drink. 

“A… a drink please” he murmured to the gruff man behind the bar, “Something strong, bitte” Caleb blinked twelve times in a row. He was trying to ground himself. He was here in the Evening Nip. He was not in the elemental plane of fire. He was not in the Sanatorium with Trent. He was not 17 years old and standing in front of this childhood home. He was here. 

A stout glass with an orange-brown liquid was set on the bar in front of him. Without looking up he took it and went to sit at a table in the corner where he could see his friends but not close enough to make out any specific conversations. Veth was tending to her family with Caduceus nearby in case Luc needed any extra attention after his ordeal. Jester standing in between her mother and father. Her face nervous and giddy as they exchanged pleasantries. Yasha, Beau, and Fjord were at a table close to the action, their heads ping-ponging between Marion and the Gentleman as they watched the chaos Jester had managed to sow in her parents' lives. The whole scene was almost enough to make Caleb smile. Almost. 

He sat quietly sipping his drink and thinking over the events of the past three days. Suddenly it all became too much again. Even in the fairly large basement bar, he felt constricted and caged. He buried his head in his hands as his thoughts spiraled through the decisions he had made that had put his friends and their families in danger. No, worse than that- killed. His breathing became quick and shallow and he felt a familiar urge to run. Until a hand came down on his shoulders.

“Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you” Fjord sat down next to Caleb. After noticing that the Wizard wasn’t sitting next to them watching the Parent-Trap play out Fjord had looked around to see Caleb folded over his knees at a table in the corner. “Are you alright?”

“Ja, Ja I am fine” Fjord eyed him suspiciously but seemed to let it go

“Well, we got out! And now that these are working” He gestured to the amulet he was wearing, “They can’t track us here or anywhere else we go right?” Caleb nodded and stared down into his drink. He could feel Fjords worried eyes on him. “Caleb, we’re safe now. You got us out of there.” 

Caleb gave a short derisive laugh in response. Safe? They weren’t safe. Even if Trent couldn’t track them and even if they didn’t know about their connection to the Gentleman and even if Astrid and Wulf were not being tortured right now for any information they could give about where the Nein were there would STILL be a city of unknown power and evil intent making its way towards Exandria. They were by no means safe. If the past three days had proven anything it was that his friends were not safe, particularly when they were around him. 

Caleb sat upright suddenly. The answer was clear but he had been too much of a coward to think it. He had wanted to believe he could have friends, have family. He had wanted to believe that he could protect them and that his past wouldn’t be a danger to them but clearly, this was all untrue. He turned his whole body towards Fjord and looked him intently in the eye. 

“Fjord. You and I have an understanding, ja?” The half-orc cocked his head to the side and waited for him to continue. “We both agree that we need to do what is best for them.” Caleb gestured out into the room in the vague direction on their friends but never took his eyes off of Fjord. “You and I are willing to make the decisions they don’t want to make but that are for the best.” Fjord leaned away and furrowed his brow, seeing where the Wizard was headed with this. 

“Sometimes the tactical decision. The Smart decision is an unpopular one. But if it means their continued survival it is the right decision.” Caleb paused. Working up the courage to complete the thought. “I can send you all to Aeor. To Essek. He is just as powerful if not more powerful than myself. He will be able to help you complete the mission.” Caleb was speaking faster now. He could feel Fjord beginning to object and he needed to get it all out. He needed to explain the whole logic of it before that happened so that Fjord would see that he was right. It was safer for them to continue without him. “They already know our mission is in Aeor. At least if I’m not with you all you may have a chance of stopping this thing without the Assembly getting further in the way. If I am with you they won’t stop looking and..” 

“Caleb!” Fjord cut off his quickening train of logic “We’re not going to do that. We said it before, we need you with us.” 

“Yes, but I can still send you via a cir…” 

“No, I don’t think you understand. We need *you* with us. We don’t need magic or spells or the tower or anything like that. We need you!” Fjord stared at him trying to gauge if he was understanding. “Look at it logically. If the amulets are working they will have no idea where we are now. And if teleportation is as unreliable as Essek suggests even if they try to go to Aeor there is no telling where they will end up. And if we are going to fight the Tomb Takers and whatever the hells this City is we’ll need everyone we can possibly get to help. Yes, Essek will be tremendously helpful. But what's better than one wizard? Two wizards!” Caleb was staring at his drink again, running through all of the reasons why Fjord was wrong. Of all Nein of them, he had thought Fjord would understand why this was the only answer to keep them safe. 

“And besides” Fjord continued, “Even if it weren’t logical. We still wouldn’t let you do it. Caleb, I get that it’s been a hard few days for you. It’s been rough on all of us so I cannot even imagine how much harder it has been for you. But you do have people who care about you. We care about you. Caleb. Look at me.” Fjord paused and waited for the wizard to lift his gaze from his cup. “You are worth this for us. You know that right. Even if the whole world were to come crashing down around us it would be worth it if in the end you were happy. I know you don't believe me right now and that’s alright. I’ll keep saying it and hopefully, soon you’ll be in a place where you can hear and believe me.” Fjord gave a small smile and stood up and walked back towards Beau and Yasha. Caleb watched him walk away and turned back to his drink unsure of what to think. 


	2. Healing Word

Once Caduceus was satisfied that the Brenattos were properly taken care of and that parents and child were at least beginning to move out of panic mode, he turned his attention to Mr. Widogast. It had not escaped his attention, as hardly anything did, that Caleb had self sequestered himself in a corner. He had caught Fjord's eye as he had walked over to have a conversation with Caleb but Caduceus felt that a cleric's touch was always useful in these circumstances. So once Fjord had walked back to the Beau and Yasha, who were holding hands under the table, Cad meandered over to Caleb’s table and sat down. 

“Hi. How ya doin’?” 

“I am alright.” Caleb knew that whatever this conversation was going to be, it was going to go about as well as the last one. He watched the Brenatto’s huddle together from across the room. Yeza was talking softly to Luc who was sitting in Veth’s lap. The three of them fit so perfectly together in a tight little pod. “How is the boy?” Caleb nodded his head towards the family. 

“Aw he’s alright. Kids are resilient you know. I’m more worried about his mother and father.” Caleb averted his eyes and watched the dark liquid swirl in his cup.

“Ja, me too.” there was a long pause as there often was in conversations with Caduceus. The cleric always seemed to know just how much silence was needed and when it became too much. “Thank you, by the way for what you did back there. It um… it was good work” Caduceus smiled. 

“It was all by the grace of the Wildmother.”

“Ja.” Caleb’s eyes had unconsciously moved back to the halfling family sitting a few tables over. “I am glad she was with you. With us in that moment.” There was another pause. He was glad. He was so glad that the Wildmother had been able to find them on the plane of fire and bring the boy back from death. He was glad that Veth still had her child. But that didn’t change the fact that Luc had died. And that it was Caleb’s fault. 

“I cannot imagine what would have if it had failed.” Caleb watched the face of his friend from across the room. She had been crying and hadn’t let go of the boy since the fight yesterday but she also remained frightfully quiet. “I don’t think she would have ever forgiv…” Caleb trailed off, finding it hard to complete the sentence let alone the thought. He revised his thoughts. It wasn’t a discarded possibility. It was real. “I don’t think she will ever forgive me.” 

Caduceus looked at Caleb with curious eyes. “What do you mean?”

“It is my fault. Her son died and it is my fault. What mother would forgive that?” 

“Caleb, what happened back there was not your fault. You didn’t harm Luc. It was a fire elemental protecting its sanctum. You were there preventing more harm from coming to all of us.”

“Yes, but we were there because we were running from people who were chasing me! And they were chasing me because I couldn’t stick to the plan and made too much noise in the Sanatorium. You cannot convince me that this is not because of me Caduceus so I would waste your breath.” 

“We have all made choices that have caused unintended consequences. Every one of us is in some way to blame for what is happening now. What matters is what we do after. How we react and do better. You can’t put the blame totally on yourself because all of us have a part.”

He knew that was going to be the firbolgs response. He would never understand. He was far too kind to see that it was, in fact, Caleb’s fault. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if it is true. It doesn’t matter if I am to blame or not because she blames me” Caleb nodded his head sharply towards where Veth was sitting. 

“What makes you think that is true?” Caduceus seemed genuinely interested. There was no condescension in the question, just an attempt to see where Caleb was coming from. “Did she say something to you?”

“Not this time. But…” The words came back to him as clear as the first time he heard them  _ Well fuck him. His people did this to my people _ “These were my people. And they have caused harm to come to her people.” The silence settled in again. Both men watching the family across the way. 

“I can’t be sure. But I would wager a guess.” The cleric began slowly. Talking in low and measured phrases. “That right now Veth is placing the blame very much on herself. And I would bet that behind that giddy smile, Jester also believes that she is at fault. And probably, if you were to ask Fjord or Yasha or Beau they would say that if they had just gotten through the Ball faster they would have helped and none of this would have happened. You see, Caleb. We all play a part in everything we do as a group. We are all to blame and none of us are to blame.You helped protect us from people who were threatening us. You are not responsible for their actions and you never were.” The sentiment of Caduceus’ words echoed what Marion had said to him the night before. It still wasn’t easy to believe. He looked over at the young boy on his mother's lap and still felt that grip of guilt but maybe. Just maybe what they were saying was true. 


	3. You Made Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jester's turn to comfort the Wizard  
> Again not intended as Widojest but you do you

It had been another incredibly long day. After dropping the families off in Zadash, Caleb had taken the Nein to the Blooming Grove to check in on the Clays. When all was determined to be well there he had drawn a circle and taken them to Rosohna. Things had not gone particularly in their favor in the Xhorhasian capital city but at least no one had tried to kill or capture them. 

At the end of this very long day, in the middle of this very long, exhausting week they made a plan to set out for Aeor in the morning. Caleb wouldn’t be able to get them there tonight and they would need to be rested for whatever they were going to face. It had been a while since they had been in Rosohna- since before Traveler Con. Caleb did the math.The last time they were in Xhorhas was the 24th of Thunsheer and today it was the 31st of Brunssendar. It had been 2 months- but gods it felt like a year. Caleb trailed behind the group as they made their way through the dark streets of Rosohna towards the Xhorhouse. He watched his friends giggle and talk. Veth was mocking Fjord for something and Beau was piling on. For a while he let his body move on autopilot and his mind began to wander to what the last two months had brought them. It had been so much and it wasn’t going to stop. He was so exhausted by it. He was exhausted from the travel and the uncertainty and the worry and from the panic attack that was still coming in waves since they left Aeor. He was just so tired. But they had to keep going. Lady Allura had begun to spread the word but their ragtag group of assholes were still the ones with the most knowledge and somehow the best equipped to stop this thing before it became and even bigger threat to every person on this world. 

His mind had been so preoccupied that he hadn’t noticed that he was standing alone outside of the gates of the Xhorhouse. He shook himself back to this plane. Jester popped her head out of the door. 

“Caleb? Are you coming in?” She asked.

“Ah, Ja. Ja of course” He didn’t know how long he had been standing out here alone but it seems it was long enough for jester to realize he wasn’t with them. Jester's face tightened and scrunched like it always did when she was thinking or drawing. Before Caleb could make a move towards the door, Jester had stepped out from behind it and closed it, leaving the two of them outside in the faint twinkling lights of their tree. 

“Caleb, Are you okay?” Jester looked down at the wizard with concern. “I know the last few day have been really hard and its been kinda non-stop so I didn’t really get a chance to talk to you about what happened and everything and I feel kinda bad about it cause you know but I also had to take care of my mama and everything but I don’t want you to think that I didn’t see or didn’t care about how hard all of this must have been for you.” She said it all in one breath- the words moving faster than her mind. Caleb gave her a quick flash of a smile. It was a smile that Jester knew well. It was meant to wave her off of thinking about him. That smile was a lie and it never reached his eyes. His face smiled but his eyes filled with a very specific pain, a very deep feeling Jester could never quite identify. Jester sat down on the stoop, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Her question was so innocent and kind. No, of course he did not want to talk about it. He wanted to crawl in a whole and have everyone forget he ever existed. But when he looked at her gently smiling face it was all he could do not to burst into tears in the yard. Caleb let out a heavy sign and sat down one step below Jester. 

“I  _ am _ sorry. For what happened at the Sanatorium. It all happened so fast and I know that… that you and Veth… that what I did in there wasn’t necessarily part of the plan and it may have been a bit extreme.” He felt himself remembering every detail. Without hesitation he had pulled the pearl from his pocket and cast the spell. He had watched unflinchingly as the man went from a human to a crumpled mess of bone and gut. And then he had done it again. Caleb began to absentmindedly scratch at his arms. “I did not like being there again. I… I did not like it.”

Jester reached over and took the hand that was running up and down his arm and held it gently in her lap. “I can’t imagine Caleb. And I don’t blame you for how you reacted. And… I’m sorry.” Caleb turned to look at her surprised. “We should have considered how it would affect you, going back there. We were all so cavalier with how horrible they had been to you in that place. We never should have made you go back in. Because your right, Caleb, I didn’t like seeing you like that. That was… that was scary. And I… those men were complicit in the horrible things they were doing in that place. They were bad people. I am just worried about you losing yourself again. It's like you were a different person.” Jester paused still holding Caleb's hand.

“Ja. ja. I…” He paused, he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to that. He had so many things he wanted to say but couldn’t figure out how to say them. “Jester, I don’t ever want you to see that person again. That, everything I did in there was what  _ he _ trained me to do. And I thought I had gotten away from all of that but.. But being  _ there  _ it was like second nature. Almost like I had no control. I don’t ever want to be like that again.” Jester squeezed his hand gently in hers and with the other moved his chin so he was looking at her. 

“We’ll protect each other. We’ll keep you safe from him.” She smiled at him, almost whispering now as if keeping a secret from the dark sky and the tree above, “You are not who he made you to be Caleb. He didn’t make you. He didn’t make you strong. He didn’t make you kind. He didn’t teach you Dunamancy or Polymorph or any of the spells I’ve seen you learn. He didn’t make you intelligent or driven or brave. You made yourself. I watched you do it and I am so proud of you for it.” There was that smile again. The deep pain latching on to her heart. She wanted him to believe her so badly. 

“Thank you Jester.” 

“We should go inside” Her voice brightened as she donned her cherry attitude once more marking the end of their serious talk, “They’ll think we are making out or something.” Caleb chuckled and allowed her to lead him inside the house. She didn’t let go of his had till they were both inside the door. 


End file.
